The crazy and what's important
by CJShadowRider
Summary: One-shot: Astrid is depressed for having passed up her chance with Hiccup who is now in a happy, healthy relationship with another girl. Or is he? M for suggestive themes. Constructive criticism welcome.


There about 19 in this story.

Astrid's POV.

Astrid was sitting on a bench at the dog park when her yellow Labrador pocked her muzzle under her hand. "What's wrong Stormfly?" The lab just looked to the side to point out that they had company. Sure enough Heather was walking right for them. "Hey Heather."

"Good evening Astrid." Heather sits next to Astrid. "Is everything alright?"

"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" Evan Stormfly manages to look skeptical at that.

"Well I heard you nearly caved and went on that date Snotlout is always pestering you for. Somethings defiantly wrong there."

"Worst mistakeLike I'd ever to go with a guy whose idea of a date is McDonalds and the dollar theater. The ass just wanted to be the first one in my pants and thinks big biceps will get him there, as if I was that shallow." Astrid says with a curios lack of any emotion.

"Ok but that's not what really has you upset is it?" After a few minutes of silence Heather blurts. "It's Hiccup's girlfriend, isn't it?" Astrid only nods at that. "I don't like that girl the way none of the dogs warm up to her says something."

"I don't like her either but she makes him happy and I don't really have the right to interfere. Maybe if I had taken your advice when I had the chance, but I heard her say she would "rock his bed" when he got home." Sighing heavily Astrid continues. "You know he was always there to help me with school work or cheer me on at sports competitions even when I wasn't there when he needed me."

"Well Hiccup will get back from that big European Aerospace expo late tonight so maybe..."

"I know what you're thinking and you might as well forget it. I'm not going to try to steal him."

"Astrid, we both know he'd rather have you but he knows what these mean." Heather's hand touches one of the studs on Astrid's kransen. The kransen a sign her virtue the studs proclaiming she was unwilling to give it up. "And he respects it, unlike some guys I can name. And..."

Heather was cut off by a phone going off, it was Astrid's and looking at the caller id she muttered. "Speak of the devil." "Hey Hiccup. Back already?" "Is everything all...?" "Not at all." "Ya bring Toothless over to." "Yep see you in a bit."

"So, fill me in what was that about?"

"Don't know Hiccup just said he needs a place to crash. But he sounded Really upset."

"That's odd but at least he's not with _her_."

"I guess, anyway I should get home and I'll let you know what I find out."

Astrid was in front of her place when a black Labrador shot around the corner at full speed and right up to Astrid. "Hey Toothless." Astrid barely had time to pat him on the head before Stormfly nipped playfully at him and both dogs started to chase each other around the grass. Minutes passed and Astrid was starting to worry so she went around the corner to find Hiccup. He was slumped in the driver's seat of his truck door open, head on the steering wheal his posture almost screaming of defeat. To Astrid he looked like the world's largest kicked puppy. Astrid approaches him as if he is a wounded animal. "Hiccup are you ok?"

"Yes... no. Mabey... I don't know."

"That good? Alright let's go inside." Grabbing his hand Astrid had to almost drags him inside while calling the dogs to follow. Inside its not much just a studio apartment but it is affordable and allows large pets. Sitting in the kitchen Astrid is more than a little surprised when Hiccup grabs a case of beer out of his bag. "Hiccup?"

Apparently not understanding Hiccup opens one and tries to pass it to Astrid, who declines. "You know I don't drink, and neither do you." Hiccup just shrugs before chugging it in one go and grabbing another. With the second empty next to the first Astrid finds her voice. "Does this have anything to do with your girlfr...?"

"Don't!" With a visible effort to calm himself. "Just don't I don't want to talk about the **Bitch**. Don't even mention that whore's name."

"Hiccup Haddock! What's gotten into you? You're not acting like yourself." Glaring at him with her best no nonsense stare Astrid says. "Talk to me." Hiccup takes out his phone and opens up a web page before handing it to Astrid.

Flashback Hiccup's

 _It was going well she had just arrived and asked to use the shower having just gotten out of practice. But it went south in a hurry as her phone rang while she was in the shower and I answered. "Hello."_

" _Hi this is Snotlout from last Wednesday, I was wondering can I get the in-call special mentioned on your add again."_

 _Snotlout how did he get my girlfriends number? And "In call special"? "Are you sure you have the right number?"_

" _This is xxx-xxxx right?"_

" _Yes, where did you see this add?" I quickly brought up an internet search on my own phone. Searching the name of the site given and her number I find "the add" dated the day after I left._

 _I go through it five times trying to understand before Snotlout's words cut though the snakes. "Hey if this is her "supervisor" do you do two girls at once I'd like to order up a tall blue eyed blond to go with her."_

" _She'll have to call you back." I say before hanging up and getting into her text history only to find several numbers she had given this address to, the address to_ _ **my**_ _ **home**_ _!_

" _Hey stud you ready for your welcome home gift." Most men would find that low purr vary sexy, right then it sounded like nails on a chalk board to me. Looking at my now ex-girlfriend wet and in nothing but a towel normally would have had any man wanting, instead I had to suppress a shudder of revulsion knowing what she did._

" _Snotlout called." And handed her the phone, history still open._

 _A moment of shock was quickly replaced with anger. "Well it's your fault." Of all the things I thought she'd say this was not one of them. "I know the real reason you went to Europe, so what if you bought and I sold! You still started it!" She was nearly screaming at the end. It only got worse from there, I took the key to my place she had barrowed out of her discarded pants and tossed her cloths at her. Rather than getting dressed she continued to demand an apology for what she believed I did. Eventually I had to resort to tossing her out in the towel and holding her cloths in her hands._

End flashback

Astrid sat there in shock looking at "the add". It was certainly hard to take in all at once. The first thing that draws the eyes are the pictures, the first is an attractive woman seated on the edge of a bed legs spread and her hands over her crotch and nipples her only covering and her face cropped out. Then one of presumably the same woman in profile front pressed up to wall again naked without revealing the important pits and face cut out. The last one is a close up of a nice ass in a pink thong almost thin enough to see her folds underneath, and in the background the rest of her is bent over hands on a wall head turned towards the camera reveling the removed face and a side boob.

Scrolling down past the pictures Astrid found the text that read. "New girl in town, treat yourself to the best, convenient in call location down town, text xxx-xxx-xxxx, by contacting me you agree you are unaffiliated with any law enforcement, cheap service isn't good,, good service isn't cheap, if you don't have two hundred don't waste my time."

Looking at it a second-time Astrid noticed "the add" was under the "Escort" section. She knew that meant prostitute by loophole because after hiccup got a girlfriend she overhearing Gobber tell Fishlegs, Snotlout and Tuffnut "If you can't getfind a yak I know how you can buy the milk." It was disturbing to say the least. Returning her attention to Hiccup she found the two empty beers had multiplied to five and he was gesturing with a sixth wile ranting about something from Europe.

Flashback Hiccup's POV.

 _I knew Gobber preferred to skip the drama of relationships and just buy "the milk" but really? The night before the flight home he pulls me out tointo a brothel. That's how I found myself sitting at the bar rejecting girls trying to push there "services". Shortly a woman maybe ten years my senior that had more exposed flesh in the cleavage of her deep v neckline then I could show if I was shirtless. They looked like a natural G size, too big for her otherwise average size build. She had decided to keep me company while I wait for Gobber, thankfully without trying to push her "services" on me. Apart from her clothing we could have been having this same conversation just about anywhere right up until._

" _Why don't you take a girl back?"_

" _I have a girlfriend back home and I'm not cheating on her."_

" _Wow an honest man! I meet so few in my work, not that there are that many to begin with." That of course prompted her to explain how to please a girl sexually._

 _And that is how Gobber got a picture of me looking like a tomato. "Well looks like you may have found yourself a lass, if you want we can stay longer." And of course, he had to waggle his eyebrows suggestively. I could only give him a glare, unfortunately as I tried to stand she tried to pull me in for a hug catching me off balance and making me stubble into her._

 _And Gobber got another picture of my head in that more than ample bosom as she said goodbye and whispered. "If things don't work out with your girl come back I'll give you a night on the house for being such a sweetheart."_

End flashback

"And Snotlout is already making fun of me for not taking it when offered. When he finds out the hooker he bought because she looked like my EX was my EX he'll be insufferable." Downing another beer for a total of eight. "The gods must really hate me, I'll never get a girl."

Astrid was trying to keep a smile off her face it was wrong to feel glad but Hiccup hadn't been with her and was now single. "Honestly Hiccup I think you're better off without her." Astrid walks around the table to Hiccup who turns sideways in the chair to face her. "And there's at least one girl that I know wants you." Before he could say anything, she pushes her lips to his. To Astrid it's like she had been dying of thirst and Hiccup was pure sweat water. She goes to deepen the kiss only to have nothing there suddenly. Stunned she opens her eyes, she doesn't see Hiccup until one of the dogs' whines at her feet. Looking down she sees Hiccup rubbing the back of his head sprawled on the floor, Stormfly looking at him as if to ask if he was ok and Toothless as if to say "Really Hiccup?"

"Astrid, it's not funny, it's not like you're a girl..." He didn't get to finish as Astrid pounced and pinned his shoulders to the ground and straddled his hips.

"Oh, don't I look like a girl?" She said with considerable heat and almost ripping her shirt off to show the sports bra beneath. "Don't I feel like a girl?" She grinds her hips into his and is rewarded with a hardness forming in his pants. "Don't I sound like a girl?" Her voice now a husky purr that sends his blood south even faster. "Don't I smell... well never mind."

"I... I just... I meant... you're a friend and... well..." Hiccup reaches up and touches the studs on her kransen.

"Just shut up Haddock." Astrid makes sure he stays quite by leaning down to cover his mouth with hers.

Morning after

Hiccup woke slowly, he was pleasantly warm but he had the mother of all headaches. First thing he notices is a yellow Labrador curled up with Toothless by the bed. Second it wasn't his bed or his room. Third only his shorts where on and the pile of cloths nearby wasn't all his. As he made his way into the kitchen he is meet with the goddess Freyja in mortal form, golden silk flowed freely down her back to brush the end of a lose shirt, his shirt he realized. When she shifted feet, he saw just a flash of red undergarments beneath the hem of his shirt, her breasts moved to freely to be bound by anything but the shirt, and the shirt had only been buttoned to the middle probably so she could fit it over her bust line. His gasp drew her attention and she turned and greeted him with a kiss. "Morning babe, sleep well?"

"Astrid, did I... I mean did we...?"

"No babe we didn't." Placing her arms around his neck she pulled him in for a kiss. "Not all the way anyhow." She winks.

"Astrid I don't know if this is the best time to start a relationship after what happened."

"Hiccup I had a crush on you for as long as you had one on me." He tried to say something but Astrid placed a finger over his mouth. "Let me finish. I ignored my feelings and nearly lost you even as a friend. By the mercy of Sif and FreyjaFreya I was given a second chance that I passed up, and a third last night. I'm not letting go this time!"

Hiccup wasn't sure what to say but both phones went off as a group message was received. Fishlegs wanted to get the gang together for an early lunch at the Mead Hall food court back in Berk.

"Ah but I made a protein omelet already." Astrid wasn't a bad cook but her original recipes where a disaster. Yaknog had been bad, the spicy vegan meatloaf was worse. This protein omelet looked poisonous, black and gray flecks of what must be protein drink mix doted the outside of the cooked eggs and was that a protein bar wrapper peeking out of it?

She pouted but relented anyway. As they got ready she filled him in on what he couldn't remember of last night. "Wait so we're... you know?"

"Dating, and roommates if you still want."

"No offence but your place is too small and I really don't want to go back to my place, speaking of which remind me to burn my mattress."

"That's ok when your dad called earlier. He agreed to help cancel the lease on your place and help with find us a new place."

"I told my dad about this!"

"Um no, I did you were kind of busy." Astrid pulled the shirt down to show faint bite marks on her breasts.

"I was what! Please tell me he didn't know what was happening."

A sudden pain reminds Hiccup she has a mean right hook. "That's for embarrassing me in front of your father." Another pain shows her left hook is as good as her right. "That's for drinking." She grabs his head and kisses him till she need air.

"What was that for?"

"Everything else." She winks, "Now let's get going."

Hiccup sighs heavily. "Whatever you say milady."

 **At the Food Court**

Hiccup ordered food for Astrid, Heather and himself before finding Fishlegs Snotlout and the twins seated next to the fountain in the center. "Hey guys."

Ruffnut looks at Hiccup suspiciously. "So, you were with Astrid last night what happened to what's her name?"

"Where done and I'd rather not talk about it."

Snotlout failed to see the look of anger flash on Hiccups face. "Na ha ha, I told you wouldn't get any before the Snot Man!"

Ruffnut came back with. "Yes, but have you ever not paid for it."

Fishlegs just decided to ignore them. "So where is Astrid didn't she come with you?"

"Heather meet us in the parking lot and Astrid pulled her off to do some shopping before joining us."

The conversation turned to Hiccup's trip to Europe till the two girls arrived. Tuffnut toke one look and jumped up pointing right at Astrid yelling. "Imposter!"

"What are you talking about Tuff, it's me."

"Your alien duplication technology goofed creature the real Astrid has a studded kransen!"

"So, I've decided I what a boyfriend what's wrong with that?" The red in her cheeks could have been embarrassment or anger it was hard to tell.

Snotlout literally jumped at this and sidled up to Astrid. "Ha I knew you couldn't deny our connection babe, don't worry the Snot Man knows what you want."

"You went and got a prostitute the day before asking me out clearly you don't." Astrid punctuated this by pushing Snotlout away. He then tripped over Heather's foot and fell into the fountain as the girls fist bump.

Astrid looked around and saw that between Tuffnut and Snotlout their group had acquired the attention of everyone in the food court. Being a rather small community all of Berk would know some variation of the story by dinner and Astrid wanted one more thing to reach the ears of certain people. She sits sideways on Hiccups lap and pulled him in for a kiss. Hiccup puts his hands on her waist and squeezed just enough to make her gasp intoin to the kiss so he could slip his tong into her mouth, Astrid gladly accepts the battle for dominance till they have to pull back for air.

"Sorry I don't know where..." Astrid placed a finger over his mouth to cut him off.

"It's all right just keep that for when where alone. Now _everyone_ is staring."


End file.
